The Long-term Effects of OCD - and Why I'm Not blogging Much

I haven't been adding to this blog much lately, but that isn't really a problem. 

I don't want to spend my whole life discussing chronic illness. It is emotionally exhausting, and I'm also working on different writing projects.

I just felt the need to do a quick update. I am still struggling with IBS, skin rashes, PCOS, endometriosis, etc.

My migraines and headaches don't seem to be as bad these days. 

I obviously do have the dyspraxia and other issues, but am so used to living with these issues now. 

My mental health is up and down, but I am really trying to stay positive and I feel that I am making progress, although with frequent setbacks, and much ongoing stress.

The one thing that I have been thinking about, and which I wanted to mention, was how self-conscious I feel about the long-term damage and ageing which the OCD seems to have caused to my hands, which were one of the few physical features that I actually liked about myself originally. 

The weird thing is that, when the rashes on my hands clear up, as they have at the moment, I actually become more aware of, and distressed about, the long-term damage, which I have caused myself through the OCD. 

Even now, I can't stop doing the over-washing, and in a way, unless I feel that there is some hope of making my hands look "okay" again, it is difficult to believe that there is any point now. I am just so aware that I have messed up my own hands, when there was no need, and I am continuing to make it worse, but I can't stop. 

By the way, the rashes on my hands are the only ones caused by over-washing. My other rashes are due to two different forms of dermatitis, and are something different.

Love and peace, and thank you for reading this blog post. Please read my poems on my Facebook page. I am not directing people to my Tripod site at present, as the number of irritating video advertisements that they place on my page make the site dysfunctional, but I cannot afford to pay for site hosting, which is why I use free websites and blogs.

Semi-diagnosed: Discussing "Borderline Personality Traits" and "PTSD Symptoms"

Is being diagnosed with "Borderline Personality traits" and "PTSD-like symptoms" enough to entitle you to support for trauma-related mental health issues?  

And I mean, if these are actually your main mental health problems, along with depression?

Why is it that it still doesn't feel as though I have been properly diagnosed with anything in this area?

And why is my OCD not "OCD-like symptoms"? There are so many aspects of OCD that simply aren't relevant to me.

It's so confusing. Why is it made so ridiculously hard to get the help that you need?

Not Everything is "My OCD" Just Because I Have The Label!

Honestly, this drives me crazy - yes, even crazier than I was to begin with. 

The mental health so-called "professionals" select one of your mental health issues, which they consider to be the "main one", usually the one which is most visible. 

In my case, my OCD causes obvious physical symptoms - damage to my hands from over-washing them. It could therefore be said to be the most "visible". 

I have actually only had OCD, to any extent, since 2008, and it is not, and never has been, the mental health issue which causes me the most distress. It is more of a manifestation, rather than my underlying problem. 

Anyway, the "professionals" then perceive anything and everything as further evidence of the illness, on which they have chosen to focus, even if something relates much more to another mental health issue, or is not even a mental health problem at all, but just part of your personality.

People with OCD are actually allowed to have personality traits that are both obsessive and compulsive, but are not part of the OCD. 

Also, as I stated in a previous post, not everyone with OCD has every type of OCD. I certainly do not.

I don't want to ramble too much in this particular blog post, as I have written quite a few longer blog posts. I just felt that I needed to make this point.

Thank you for reading this. Please also check out my poetry site or/and Facebook poetry page.

My Mental Health Diagnosis: Personal "Non-Assessment Appointment" Story

Finally, I am going to attempt to write this blog post. If you are reading this and haven't read my previous post regarding my mental health diagnosis, you might be interested in checking that out, as it gives more background about the situation which I am describing here.

Anyway, basically I have been trying, for some time, to persuade the mental health professionals to review my diagnosis. 

I had been under the impression that this was going to happen, and that I was going to be assessed for Borderline Personality Disorder, but this did not occur. 

The appointment with my psychiatrist and Community Psychiatric Nurse did take place, but we barely touched on the subject of BPD, and only then because I mentioned it, as they appeared to have no intention of doing so. 

They were more interested in discussing my OCD, as per usual, and trying to "push" medication at me. 

One pill suggested would make me gain weight - been there with that particular side-effect - and the other would cause diarrhoea, which is also not helpful, when you suffer, as I do, from IBS. However, I do give more details about this appointment in my previous post, so I won't ramble about it too much here.

As mentioned in my previous post, I did put my concerns into writing. 

When I eventually managed to get through to my CPN by telephone, she was extremely unhelpful, and gave me to understand that I was diagnosed with nothing more than depression, anxiety, OCD and "PTSD-like symptoms".

She said that she was "not prepared to discuss the diagnosis further", but did tell me that the psychiatrist would write to me and enclose a copy of the letter which had been sent to my GP. 

I did specifically ask her whether my agoraphobia diagnosis had also been removed, and she told me that I did not have agoraphobia because "you do go out". 

I currently go out on as many days as I can, although I remain very close to my flat.  However, I don't feel that it's necessarily helpful to take away someone's agoraphobia diagnosis the moment that the person is just about able to leave his or her home. 

I will probably write another blog post about my agoraphobia, or agoraphobic tendencies, as I feel that this subject needs more "space", in order for me to discuss it fully. I must admit that it is a little complicated, as my not going out much relates to my physical, as well as mental, health.

I did actually have two telephone conversations with the nurse, on the same afternoon, and the second felt more positive and constructive than the first, but I still did not entirely know what to expect from the letters which the psychiatrist would be sending. I could only wait.

Well, the letters arrived and, to be honest, it was not as bad as I had thought, or would have expected based upon what I had been told by my CPN, particularly during that first conversation. 

The psychiatrist seemed to have understood most of the points made during our interview, although there were still a few misconceptions, about which I know that I should write another letter, just to make matters a little clearer. I have lacked the motivation, so far, to do this, although I know that it is in my own best interests to do so. 

My official diagnosis now is recurrent depressive disorder, anxiety, OCD, Borderline Personality traits, and Post Traumatic symptoms, with panic attacks and depersonalisation. 

Although this does not cover everything, it is an improvement, and at least I have it in black and white, so that a week, year or decade later, they cannot change the words around and deny that the original ones were ever said at all, as has so often happened in the past.

I would recommend that anyone who has queries about his or her mental health diagnosis, or any aspect of treatment, should put these concerns into writing. That way, your letter has to be both answered at the time, and added to your medical files for future reference.

Thank you for reading this post. Please also check out my poetry site or/and my Facebook poetry page.

Mental Health Awareness and Making a Difference

Last night, I read a free magazine, produced by "Time to Change". It was positive and inspiring to read about so many excellent projects, and I totally agree that more conversations about mental health are needed, in order to break the stigma which still surrounds this topic.

However, I was left feeling that something had remained unsaid. That is why I decided to write this blog post.

We are not all able - often due to the precise nature of our mental health issues, and perhaps other factors, including our physical health - to actively participate in many of the more "out there" mental health awareness campaigns.

Possibly, we can help indirectly, including through the promotion of events, by various methods, such as sharing links on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr and other social media websites, and this is still valuable and important, but we may not feel that it is equal to being an active participant.

What I would like to point out is that many of us do a lot individually to spread the word. 

I often feel that there is a lack of recognition for everyone out there who is blogging, vlogging, Tweeting, and sharing personal stories, in various forms, on Facebook, Tumblr, and other social media sites. 

There are people who write and share poetry and art work of various kinds, relating to mental health issues. 

So many people set up support groups, and inspirational pages about recovery, on Facebook and other sites. 

These people are not being paid, and rarely ask for or require grants or any form of financial assistance. I mean, it is free to set up a Facebook page, Twitter or Tumblr account, or a basic blog.

I am not writing this blog post in order to complain as such. I am writing this blog post because I would like to thank all of the individuals out there who have inspired me, in various ways. 

I would also like to encourage those who are feeling disillusioned, and thinking of giving up on their blogs, poetry, Facebook pages, and so on. 

Please do not give up. You are needed. Your contribution is valued.

Thank you for reading this post, and please do visit my poetry website or/and my Facebook poetry page. Any "likes" on the Facebook page would be very much appreciated. Your support means a lot to me. If you have already "liked" the page, but don't seem to be "seeing" my posts, drop in on the page, as Facebook stops showing posts if you don't actively express an interest in a particular page.  2018 update: Select the "See First" option, under the "Following" drop-down menu.  This is how you actually get to see FB page updates.  I also now have an author page on Facebook. 

Getting My Mental Health Diagnosis Reviewed on the NHS: Failed Attempt

I am as ready as I will ever be to discuss this subject on my blog. I have been trying, for some time, to have my mental health diagnosis adjusted, as I do not feel that my current diagnosis covers many of my major issues.

Unfortunately, when I finally had an interview with a psychiatrist, who is new to our local mental health centre, and my CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse), they did not assess me for the criteria of BPD, as I had been expecting. 

I was asked more questions about OCD, with which I am already diagnosed, than BPD. They contradicted themselves more than once. My CPN talked one moment as if I had been diagnosed with PTSD all along. The next moment, I had "PTSD-like symptoms". 

The psychiatrist said that there had "never been any question of" BPD, and then changed this to "might have Borderline features". They were so inconsistent. 

Also, the nurse ridiculed me, with a dismissive one-liner: "I think Paula read something on the internet." 

I have been researching BPD for some time now, both online and offline, and through talking to others who have the diagnosis. To imply that I might have "self-diagnosed", as they like to call it, on the basis of some vague comment online, is patronising and totally inaccurate.

I meet almost all of the criteria for BPD, but I seem to be a "quiet Borderline" or "introverted subtype". I tend not to exhibit extreme behaviour, and am more likely to turn my pain and anger inwards. 

I am also older than most people would be when they are diagnosed with BPD, and it would probably be embarrassing for them to admit that I might have had the condition all along, and they didn't even notice. 

Yet, I have symptoms which are not covered by my existing diagnosis, and it is obvious to me that a diagnosis of BPD should at least be properly considered.

It's all very well for people to say that it's wrong to "self-diagnose", but what are we supposed to do, when they won't even take us seriously and go through the criteria with us - having promised to assess us for an illness, for which we meet the criteria? 

I am sure that, if I went to a GP and asked to be assessed for diabetes, he or she would ask about my symptoms and then do the relevant blood tests, as opposed to simply demanding whether I had read about the condition online. At the end of the day, is the source of my information that important? Surely it is more important to ensure that patients receive an accurate diagnosis?  

(2018 inserted update: Things got much worse than any of this indicates, with the CPN in question, and my life was put at risk when I was actively suicidal, and also self-harming.  I no longer even try to get help from the mental health "services".  But I now have serious physical health and dental problems that did not exist then, as well as the same ones health issues I had before.  The NHS is a mess, and the treatment many of us receive is completely unacceptable.  They don't care whether most of us live or die, as we are only "stats" to them.  Original post to resume...)

I have put my concerns in writing, so I shall have to wait and see what comes of this. Thank you for reading this post. Please also check out my Facebook poetry page and poetry website. 

Misconceptions about OCD

What concerns me even more than a lack of awareness about OCD, is the fact that people think that they are aware, but are being given inaccurate information.

OCD, or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, is an anxiety disorder, involving, as the name suggests, obsessions and compulsions. I am not going to go into detailed definitions, as many books and websites cover this area already, much more effectively than I am able to. I just really wanted to make a few points.

To begin with, OCD takes many forms. 

In my own case, I do excessively wash my hands, which is one of the main stereotypes. I worry about hygiene, but particularly anything relating to bodily fluids. Many people with OCD do not do this. They may not be obsessed with hygiene at all - or, even if they are, may deal with their obsessions in different ways. 

I do not alphabetically sort my CDs, or count tiles, or any behaviours of this nature. Others with OCD do, because they do not have the same type of OCD as me. 

Some people have many types of OCD, but I don't have most of them - only really the obsessions which I have developed relating to aspects of hygiene. 

It's also wrong to assume that any obsessive behaviour in someone who has been diagnosed with OCD, can be attributed to the disorder. People with OCD often have other mental health issues, which is true in my own case, and some of an individual's obsessive behaviours may result from the other illness or illnesses. It may also not be due to a mental health problem at all. Everyone has some "obsessions", whether or not the person suffers from mental illness.

OCD is not the same as OCPD, which stands for Obsessive Compulsive Personaltiy Disorder, and is a separate diagnosis, although the two overlap and have many features in common.

OCD awareness is not, in my opinion, helped either by television programmes which sensationalise the illness, or Facebook pages which go to the opposite extreme, quite possibly in a misguided attempt to rectify the negative image given by the programmes in question. 

A while ago, one of these pages did a "campaign", which involved continually posting photographs of healthy looking people, with positive information about their lives, and then a final line saying: "I have OCD." Whilst I can understand that they were trying to make the point that people with OCD are not "freaks", and that you might not even know about the illness just by looking at the person - without any actual information about OCD, and how it does impact upon the lives of sufferers, this does not spread awareness and is, at best, irrelevant. 

Also, in the real world, OCD can be very visible, and it might not do people any harm to look at hands like mine, since that would quickly dispel any myths about OCD being "glamorous". 

Moderate to severe OCD, as with any mental health issue, has a much more debilitating effect on the lives of sufferers than milder cases of the illness. I would guess that many of the people who were represented as the so-called "faces of OCD" had milder forms of the illness, which is why they managed to live such full lives in spite of OCD. I cannot say for sure, however - since, as I mentioned before, no information was actually ever given relating to these people's experiences of OCD as such.

Thank you for taking the time to read this post.  Please note that I also have a poetry site and a Facebook poetry page.