The Long-term Effects of OCD - and Why I'm Not blogging Much

I haven't been adding to this blog much lately, but that isn't really a problem. 

I don't want to spend my whole life discussing chronic illness. It is emotionally exhausting, and I'm also working on different writing projects.

I just felt the need to do a quick update. I am still struggling with IBS, skin rashes, PCOS, endometriosis, etc.

My migraines and headaches don't seem to be as bad these days. 

I obviously do have the dyspraxia and other issues, but am so used to living with these issues now. 

My mental health is up and down, but I am really trying to stay positive and I feel that I am making progress, although with frequent setbacks, and much ongoing stress.

The one thing that I have been thinking about, and which I wanted to mention, was how self-conscious I feel about the long-term damage and ageing which the OCD seems to have caused to my hands, which were one of the few physical features that I actually liked about myself originally. 

The weird thing is that, when the rashes on my hands clear up, as they have at the moment, I actually become more aware of, and distressed about, the long-term damage, which I have caused myself through the OCD. 

Even now, I can't stop doing the over-washing, and in a way, unless I feel that there is some hope of making my hands look "okay" again, it is difficult to believe that there is any point now. I am just so aware that I have messed up my own hands, when there was no need, and I am continuing to make it worse, but I can't stop. 

By the way, the rashes on my hands are the only ones caused by over-washing. My other rashes are due to two different forms of dermatitis, and are something different.

Love and peace, and thank you for reading this blog post. Please read my poems on my Facebook page. I am not directing people to my Tripod site at present, as the number of irritating video advertisements that they place on my page make the site dysfunctional, but I cannot afford to pay for site hosting, which is why I use free websites and blogs.

Feeling Emotional, Skin Rashes and More

They say that it's good to cry and let the emotions out, but sometimes it isn't - like, when it hurts. 

I don't mean emotionally, but physically. Basically, my skin rashes are back, including dry flaky skin on my face, and red patches on my neck, arms, legs, and various other areas. I have a specific type of dermatitis, which was diagnosed, but I can never remember the name. 

I don't want to talk too much about this now. I might expand in another post. I need to learn to focus on what I am trying to express, and not go off at a tangent. I am always rambling, and I know that I must become boring.

Anyway, it physically hurt and stung my eyes and I couldn't open them at all for a couple of minutes. It was horrible. That's because I've got so much dry skin around my eye areas, and crying really aggravated it. I know that it sounds ridiculous, but it was stressful.

I do know that I should really get the skin rashes checked out further, as in full allergy testing - but the fact is that, when I saw the dermatologist, nearly a year ago now, she actually said, and I agreed, that it was unrealistic, and would be counterproductive, to try to get me into the hospital three times in one week, when I have agoraphobia and IBS and various other issues, which would make this extremely stressful - and to be honest, in practical terms, highly unlikely. The appointments would need to be on specific days at specific times and, if I missed even one, it render the results invalid and useless. I don't know how these things work precisely, but that is how I understand it.

Anyway, so much for getting my hair dyed this month, even if I could overcome the other obstacles, and there are many. The hairdressers simply cannot do the dyeing procedure if the rash around my neck area flares up badly, as it has done. 

I know that this sounds like a small thing, but it isn't to me, as I don't feel confident without having my hair dyed, and I am also starting to have problems due to the fact that my hair has become resistant to the dyes. It took something like two and a half hours for them to dye it and redo the process last time, and the end result was good enough, but I cannot possibly go through such a long procedure each time. I am concerned that, if I push the point about breaking it up into two sessions, we are going to get into the fact that I am requiring an extra appointment. I am on a very limited income and I hope that I won't have to pay double the usual amount, even if I do have to pay something extra. It may happen that they will have to charge me extra in any case, whether or not it is done in a single session. They didn't say this, but I have to be realistic, and it does involve extra time and work for the stylists, so I can't and don't resent it - simply wonder how I am going to afford it. Part of the reason why I particularly wanted to go to the hairdressers after only one month this time, instead of two or more, was because I hoped that it might make the difference and mean that they could dye it successfully on the first attempt, without having to redo the entire process. 

By the way, there are many reasons why I cannot do the procedure myself at home, as people always mention this, and have often been critical and hurtful with their comments, implying that I should not be going to the hairdressers, as I am currently on benefits. 

I actually have very few luxuries these days. My over-spending and drinking days were behind me long ago. I don't have my hair cut each time unless I haven't managed to get there for two months or longer, and it is still quite expensive, but I don't, for example, go out socialising, and haven't been on holiday since 2008. I don't feel that I should have to justify this, but maybe it is good for me to explain, as it helps me, if nothing else.

One more point about my skin rashes: I have dermatitis on my hands and part of my arm that is caused by over-washing them. I do this because I have OCD. This is not the same as the rashes which occur elsewhere on my body. 

I do have creams which I can use on my various rashes, and have often found that anti-histamines also help.

Thank you for taking the time to read this post. Love and blessing to all of you.