Chronic Physical and Mental Health Issues

In 2018, I continue to struggle - more so than ever - with both physical and mental health issues, and a serious lack of support.

Whilst I don't intend to revive this blog, I definitely stand by the site's core message.  I have no plans to take the posts down, and may be making some minor layout and title tweaks, in view of the fact that I know more about blogging and SEO than I did when I created and worked on the blog, a few years ago.



Paula Writes - my current, active blog

Moving Forward: The Blog's Direction and Focus

I have reached a point of crisis in my life, and must decide how to move forward. 

I feel that, if this blog is to be a project with which I continue, I need a new direction, and a much more positive, and probably less personal, focus. 

I actually decided this some time ago, but all that has really happened so far - is that I no longer post. However, this may not always be the case. 

This is not yet officially an "abandoned blog". I am not able to offer more than this at present.

Peace and blessings. xxx

Depression: A Message of Hope

If you are in a dark place with your depression - even feeling suicidal - please know that it does get better.

Realistically, it also gets worse again. It is a cycle. Just hold on. You are not alone, even if it feels that way.

I have been, and am, going through my own dark times. That is why I haven't been posting much on here. Also, I don't feel that it helps me, or anyone else, if I only ever use this blog to rant at length - and I am not even up to doing this at the moment.

Keep going as much as you possibly can, and recognise your own achievements, however small. Try not to be hard on yourself for not achieving more.

Sending love to anyone out there who is struggling right now, and reads this post. Please take care. There is hope. I believe in you.

The Long-term Effects of OCD - and Why I'm Not blogging Much

I haven't been adding to this blog much lately, but that isn't really a problem. 

I don't want to spend my whole life discussing chronic illness. It is emotionally exhausting, and I'm also working on different writing projects.

I just felt the need to do a quick update. I am still struggling with IBS, skin rashes, PCOS, endometriosis, etc.

My migraines and headaches don't seem to be as bad these days. 

I obviously do have the dyspraxia and other issues, but am so used to living with these issues now. 

My mental health is up and down, but I am really trying to stay positive and I feel that I am making progress, although with frequent setbacks, and much ongoing stress.

The one thing that I have been thinking about, and which I wanted to mention, was how self-conscious I feel about the long-term damage and ageing which the OCD seems to have caused to my hands, which were one of the few physical features that I actually liked about myself originally. 

The weird thing is that, when the rashes on my hands clear up, as they have at the moment, I actually become more aware of, and distressed about, the long-term damage, which I have caused myself through the OCD. 

Even now, I can't stop doing the over-washing, and in a way, unless I feel that there is some hope of making my hands look "okay" again, it is difficult to believe that there is any point now. I am just so aware that I have messed up my own hands, when there was no need, and I am continuing to make it worse, but I can't stop. 

By the way, the rashes on my hands are the only ones caused by over-washing. My other rashes are due to two different forms of dermatitis, and are something different.

Love and peace, and thank you for reading this blog post. Please read my poems on my Facebook page. I am not directing people to my Tripod site at present, as the number of irritating video advertisements that they place on my page make the site dysfunctional, but I cannot afford to pay for site hosting, which is why I use free websites and blogs.

IBS and Imodium Addiction

So far on this blog, I seem to have concentrated mainly on mental health issues. I have much more to say on the subject of mental health, but today's post is going to be about one of the physical health problems from which I have suffered for several years now: IBS, or Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

I don't think that I particularly need to explain what IBS means as such. Most people have a general idea and, in any case, the information is readily available, online and in books.

It is hard to explain to people how disabling IBS can become, especially as many people with mild IBS do "get on with it" and manage to lead full lives, but for me, and many others, it becomes very restrictive.  

It drastically affects my ability to get out, and to stay out for long when I do. I also suffer from other problems, including dyspraxia, agoraphobia, social phobia, reactive OCD, and depression, which combine to make it that much more difficult to get out, and to cope once I am out, and it is impossible to put each different illness into a box and treat it entirely separately, without reference to the others. 

However, often for me, at the moment, the deciding factor in whether or not I can get out will be the IBS.

As I have PCOS and endometriosis, and these conditions also make my periods worse - and the pills that I use to help with my heavy periods have the unfortunate side-effect of making my IBS symptoms that much worse - I rarely leave my flat at all during my period. 

Until recent years, I did go out during my period, but I have become more disabled by this now. My periods are even heavier than before and I have developed the endometriosis, which I did not suffer from before.

I currently take peppermint oil capsules before meals and approximately four or five Imodium tablets per day. Taking so much Imodium does have some negative side-effects, but I could not get through without it. 

The doctors, although they prescribe the medication and got me into using it initially, want me to reduce the dosage, with a view to coming off the tablet altogether, and are unsympathetic about how difficult this is for me. They reduced my prescription to three tablets per day on the week that I moved, just over a year ago now, and moving is so stressful anyway, as most people realise. Since then, the issue has not really been resolved. 

I was buying my own tablets to "top up" those prescribed, but it is becoming harder to get hold of Imodium from the stores to which I can physically get. My husband and remote carer has had to buy them for me on many occasions, which causes a great deal of conflict and stress. 

I do want to reduce my Imodium intake, as I don't even like being on medications in general, having had so many bad experiences with prescription drugs. However, I feel that I need to do this at my own pace, so that it doesn't set me back further, and potentially make me entirely housebound.

Thank you for taking the time to read this post and, if you do suffer from IBS, I wish you well. You are not alone.

Chronic Moderate to Severe Depression

I would like to discuss some questions and feelings that I have about depression - in general and also relating to my own experience of depression.

First of all, I would like to clarify that I have always suffered from depression - for as long as I can remember. I remember having these feelings as a small child of two or three years old. Often when I tell people this, they simply refuse to believe me. The next question is always whether or not it was diagnosed. No, I was not diagnosed with depression at two years old, but I know that I have always had the feelings of depression. 

When I was around eight years old, my mother told me that I mustn't pull the bed covers right over me, as I could suffocate and die. I had apparently done this unknowingly. After this, I deliberately tried to do the same, but it didn't work, because she always checked on me at night. I don't know if it could really have worked anyway, but it has always stayed in my memory, as this shows how young I was when I actually started to have suicidal thoughts and feelings.

In the process of researching the subject of this blog post online, I have come across more information, which is of interest, and may to some degree, be the answer to some of my questions. My concern has been that most information given about depression, in books and online, describes two specific types of depression: major depressive episodes, and dysthymia, with the latter term basically referring to chronic mild depression. To me, this simply fails to address the fact that depression can often be both chronic and moderate or severe. 

Even the fact that "double depression" is occasionally acknowledged - episodes of major depression, occurring in those already suffering from chronic depressive disorders - doesn't entirely cover what I am talking about, although it's a start, and I certainly wish that double depression was more frequently mentioned. However, I have to say that I have now come across the term "persistent depressive disorder", which does seem to make more allowances for longer-term cases of major depression. This term apparently came into use in May 2013, although this appears to be in the USA. I don't know if this term is current here in the UK and elsewhere, although I am hoping that it is.

I have to say that I don't find that the distinction between mild, moderate and severe depression is always appropriate. If you suffer from mood swings as I do, it is actually possible to make the transition rapidly from mild depression, which could easily be missed altogether, and which can often be "covered up", to being literally suicidal. Dramatic mood swings are a well-known feature of bipolar disorder, but they also occur in unipolar depression, particularly when someone has Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD features. 

My own mood swings would be between my "normal" (for me) state, and severely depressed or/and angry or/and agitated or/and panicky. They occur more frequently just before, during, or just after my period, but happen enough at other times to mean that they can't be attributed entirely to my menstrual cycle. Sometimes, the mood changes are very sudden. Since I do not get "highs", I do not consider that my mood swings relate to bipolar disorder, although it's true that the distinction between unipolar depression and bipolar disorder is not always as clear as is often imagined, especially when considering forms of bipolar such as cyclothymia. 

By the way, with regard to BPD - I am not currently diagnosed with this, but I am trying to get my diagnosis reviewed. However, that subject would require a blog post of its own, which I may consider writing in the future.

I do get frustrated, to say the least, by talk of "serious mental illness", which somehow excludes depression. Severe depression can actually be classed as a serious mental illness, and it is a misconception that it is not. 

Also, I think that there should be more recognition for the specific struggles of people suffering from both depression and anxiety. It is not easy to live with either depression or anxiety, but to suffer from both can be much more disabling than people often realise. I will talk more about anxiety disorders in a future post, and possibly cover the specific difficulties that many of us have when we deal with both anxiety and depression.

Thank you for reading. I do have several ideas for possible future posts, so watch this space. If you are struggling with depression, know that you are not alone, and there is always hope.

Getting out and about

I had been hoping to write a post on why I find it so difficult to get out and about, which is due to various factors, involving long-term physical and mental health problems. I actually attempted to put these into some sort of logical order in my mind, by creating a mind map.

However, I begin to wonder how personal I want my explanations to be. I do have a tendency to be very open, which is generally positive, but I sometimes feel that I can be a little too open. This can leave me feeling vulnerable and exposed. Also, it does offend people on occasions, and although I can't, and won't, let this stop me from being who I am, I really don't like to feel that I have upset people, and I do fear losing friends. As well as these considerations, I don't particularly want to write blog posts that sound more like answers on a DLA form, or whatever they call those forms nowadays. (I can't always keep up with the constantly changing terminology, I'm afraid.)

Anyway, I may or may not write the blog post that I originally planned to write, but for now, I would just like to mention that, although I do struggle to get out, I am trying to overcome this, with some success. I don't get out every day, but my ideal would be to do so, and I get out as many days as I can, although usually only for a short local walk. I have recently managed to get the the hairdressers on one occasion, and to a local furniture store and cafe on another. These were significant achievements for me.

I did go for a short local walk this afternoon, but to be honest, I haven't achieved much else today. This is largely because I have felt depressed and withdrawn. Writing this blog post now means that I at least have something to show for the day.

Love and blessings to all of you, and I hope that I will have more productive days to tell you about in the near future.

Welcome

So, why a new blog? As many of you will know, I have started up quite a few blogs, in the past. Of these, my poetry blog has been the most consistently active. In terms of prose blogs, I have always struggled to keep up with them, after the initial enthusiasm, for various reasons. I do tend to need a change of focus from time to time, which is legitimate, although I must admit that I am also prone to losing interest, and randomly abandoning projects. So, exactly how many groups did I start up on Flickr, in the days when that website was what online basically meant to me...? That is, before Beliefnet took over as my latest online obsession - followed by various Ning networks, and then, of course - it had to happen - Facebook...! In fact, I have learnt somewhat from past experiences, and I set up just the one group on Beliefnet; resisted the urge to set up my own entire social network on Ning, in the days when it was free, and believe me, it was tempting; and as for Facebook, I might have joined a lot of groups and fan pages, but in terms of setting up my own - I have only ever set up one page (apart, of course, from my profile page), for sharing my poetry. I try to ensure that anything that I do set up, is something that I could abandon at any moment, without feeling that I had let anyone down. This does take the pressure off, as I don't work well when I feel under pressure, whether that be external or internal pressure.

Anyway, the main intended focus of this new blog is going to be living with chronic physical and mental illness. I will discuss some of the specific issues that I struggle with in my own life, and this blog will hopefully also provide information and inspiration for others. If nothing else, I want people out there who do suffer with chronic health problems to know that they are not alone. I also feel that it is important to spread awareness, and blogs are one of the many ways in which this can be achieved.

Another personal reason for setting up a blog is that I find myself talking more and more to different friends, at different times, about health related issues, and I really want to have a "central place" for my rambling. Sometimes I feel, rightly or wrongly, that I should make an effort not to moan so much to friends, and those around me, but I don't feel that "keeping it inside" is helpful, so in a way, a blog can be like a constant best friend, who is there whenever I want to talk, in a way that no actual person could ever be. That might sound a little negative, but it isn't really, as my friends do have the option of reading my blog posts, as and when - and of course, it won't entirely "shut me up"...!

Thank you for taking the time to read my first post, and hopefully, there will be more.