Visible Mental Health Awareness

Not all mental illnesses are invisible.  Not all physical health issues are visible, either. 

I believe that we need to spread awareness about mental health issues, but most of the campaigns out there are selective.  They ignore the “not so pretty” aspects of mental illness, and this is unacceptable.  It does not lead to true awareness, and can actually lead to increased ignorance and discrimination.  It can do more harm than good. 

Handwashing in OCD can cause visible damage, which in some cases is long-term, and even permanent. 

Many forms of self-harm, ranging from cutting and other related forms of self-injury, to eating disorders, leave visible scars and effects, which may be permanent, to varying degrees. 

More understanding and compassion in society, and less shunning, would help. 

Depression: A Message of Hope

If you are in a dark place with your depression - even feeling suicidal - please know that it does get better.

Realistically, it also gets worse again. It is a cycle. Just hold on. You are not alone, even if it feels that way.

I have been, and am, going through my own dark times. That is why I haven't been posting much on here. Also, I don't feel that it helps me, or anyone else, if I only ever use this blog to rant at length - and I am not even up to doing this at the moment.

Keep going as much as you possibly can, and recognise your own achievements, however small. Try not to be hard on yourself for not achieving more.

Sending love to anyone out there who is struggling right now, and reads this post. Please take care. There is hope. I believe in you.

Semi-diagnosed: Discussing "Borderline Personality Traits" and "PTSD Symptoms"

Is being diagnosed with "Borderline Personality traits" and "PTSD-like symptoms" enough to entitle you to support for trauma-related mental health issues?  

And I mean, if these are actually your main mental health problems, along with depression?

Why is it that it still doesn't feel as though I have been properly diagnosed with anything in this area?

And why is my OCD not "OCD-like symptoms"? There are so many aspects of OCD that simply aren't relevant to me.

It's so confusing. Why is it made so ridiculously hard to get the help that you need?

Mental Health Awareness and Making a Difference

Last night, I read a free magazine, produced by "Time to Change". It was positive and inspiring to read about so many excellent projects, and I totally agree that more conversations about mental health are needed, in order to break the stigma which still surrounds this topic.

However, I was left feeling that something had remained unsaid. That is why I decided to write this blog post.

We are not all able - often due to the precise nature of our mental health issues, and perhaps other factors, including our physical health - to actively participate in many of the more "out there" mental health awareness campaigns.

Possibly, we can help indirectly, including through the promotion of events, by various methods, such as sharing links on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr and other social media websites, and this is still valuable and important, but we may not feel that it is equal to being an active participant.

What I would like to point out is that many of us do a lot individually to spread the word. 

I often feel that there is a lack of recognition for everyone out there who is blogging, vlogging, Tweeting, and sharing personal stories, in various forms, on Facebook, Tumblr, and other social media sites. 

There are people who write and share poetry and art work of various kinds, relating to mental health issues. 

So many people set up support groups, and inspirational pages about recovery, on Facebook and other sites. 

These people are not being paid, and rarely ask for or require grants or any form of financial assistance. I mean, it is free to set up a Facebook page, Twitter or Tumblr account, or a basic blog.

I am not writing this blog post in order to complain as such. I am writing this blog post because I would like to thank all of the individuals out there who have inspired me, in various ways. 

I would also like to encourage those who are feeling disillusioned, and thinking of giving up on their blogs, poetry, Facebook pages, and so on. 

Please do not give up. You are needed. Your contribution is valued.

Thank you for reading this post, and please do visit my poetry website or/and my Facebook poetry page. Any "likes" on the Facebook page would be very much appreciated. Your support means a lot to me. If you have already "liked" the page, but don't seem to be "seeing" my posts, drop in on the page, as Facebook stops showing posts if you don't actively express an interest in a particular page.  2018 update: Select the "See First" option, under the "Following" drop-down menu.  This is how you actually get to see FB page updates.  I also now have an author page on Facebook. 

Getting My Mental Health Diagnosis Reviewed on the NHS: Failed Attempt

I am as ready as I will ever be to discuss this subject on my blog. I have been trying, for some time, to have my mental health diagnosis adjusted, as I do not feel that my current diagnosis covers many of my major issues.

Unfortunately, when I finally had an interview with a psychiatrist, who is new to our local mental health centre, and my CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse), they did not assess me for the criteria of BPD, as I had been expecting. 

I was asked more questions about OCD, with which I am already diagnosed, than BPD. They contradicted themselves more than once. My CPN talked one moment as if I had been diagnosed with PTSD all along. The next moment, I had "PTSD-like symptoms". 

The psychiatrist said that there had "never been any question of" BPD, and then changed this to "might have Borderline features". They were so inconsistent. 

Also, the nurse ridiculed me, with a dismissive one-liner: "I think Paula read something on the internet." 

I have been researching BPD for some time now, both online and offline, and through talking to others who have the diagnosis. To imply that I might have "self-diagnosed", as they like to call it, on the basis of some vague comment online, is patronising and totally inaccurate.

I meet almost all of the criteria for BPD, but I seem to be a "quiet Borderline" or "introverted subtype". I tend not to exhibit extreme behaviour, and am more likely to turn my pain and anger inwards. 

I am also older than most people would be when they are diagnosed with BPD, and it would probably be embarrassing for them to admit that I might have had the condition all along, and they didn't even notice. 

Yet, I have symptoms which are not covered by my existing diagnosis, and it is obvious to me that a diagnosis of BPD should at least be properly considered.

It's all very well for people to say that it's wrong to "self-diagnose", but what are we supposed to do, when they won't even take us seriously and go through the criteria with us - having promised to assess us for an illness, for which we meet the criteria? 

I am sure that, if I went to a GP and asked to be assessed for diabetes, he or she would ask about my symptoms and then do the relevant blood tests, as opposed to simply demanding whether I had read about the condition online. At the end of the day, is the source of my information that important? Surely it is more important to ensure that patients receive an accurate diagnosis?  

(2018 inserted update: Things got much worse than any of this indicates, with the CPN in question, and my life was put at risk when I was actively suicidal, and also self-harming.  I no longer even try to get help from the mental health "services".  But I now have serious physical health and dental problems that did not exist then, as well as the same ones health issues I had before.  The NHS is a mess, and the treatment many of us receive is completely unacceptable.  They don't care whether most of us live or die, as we are only "stats" to them.  Original post to resume...)

I have put my concerns in writing, so I shall have to wait and see what comes of this. Thank you for reading this post. Please also check out my Facebook poetry page and poetry website. 

Feeling Emotional, Skin Rashes and More

They say that it's good to cry and let the emotions out, but sometimes it isn't - like, when it hurts. 

I don't mean emotionally, but physically. Basically, my skin rashes are back, including dry flaky skin on my face, and red patches on my neck, arms, legs, and various other areas. I have a specific type of dermatitis, which was diagnosed, but I can never remember the name. 

I don't want to talk too much about this now. I might expand in another post. I need to learn to focus on what I am trying to express, and not go off at a tangent. I am always rambling, and I know that I must become boring.

Anyway, it physically hurt and stung my eyes and I couldn't open them at all for a couple of minutes. It was horrible. That's because I've got so much dry skin around my eye areas, and crying really aggravated it. I know that it sounds ridiculous, but it was stressful.

I do know that I should really get the skin rashes checked out further, as in full allergy testing - but the fact is that, when I saw the dermatologist, nearly a year ago now, she actually said, and I agreed, that it was unrealistic, and would be counterproductive, to try to get me into the hospital three times in one week, when I have agoraphobia and IBS and various other issues, which would make this extremely stressful - and to be honest, in practical terms, highly unlikely. The appointments would need to be on specific days at specific times and, if I missed even one, it render the results invalid and useless. I don't know how these things work precisely, but that is how I understand it.

Anyway, so much for getting my hair dyed this month, even if I could overcome the other obstacles, and there are many. The hairdressers simply cannot do the dyeing procedure if the rash around my neck area flares up badly, as it has done. 

I know that this sounds like a small thing, but it isn't to me, as I don't feel confident without having my hair dyed, and I am also starting to have problems due to the fact that my hair has become resistant to the dyes. It took something like two and a half hours for them to dye it and redo the process last time, and the end result was good enough, but I cannot possibly go through such a long procedure each time. I am concerned that, if I push the point about breaking it up into two sessions, we are going to get into the fact that I am requiring an extra appointment. I am on a very limited income and I hope that I won't have to pay double the usual amount, even if I do have to pay something extra. It may happen that they will have to charge me extra in any case, whether or not it is done in a single session. They didn't say this, but I have to be realistic, and it does involve extra time and work for the stylists, so I can't and don't resent it - simply wonder how I am going to afford it. Part of the reason why I particularly wanted to go to the hairdressers after only one month this time, instead of two or more, was because I hoped that it might make the difference and mean that they could dye it successfully on the first attempt, without having to redo the entire process. 

By the way, there are many reasons why I cannot do the procedure myself at home, as people always mention this, and have often been critical and hurtful with their comments, implying that I should not be going to the hairdressers, as I am currently on benefits. 

I actually have very few luxuries these days. My over-spending and drinking days were behind me long ago. I don't have my hair cut each time unless I haven't managed to get there for two months or longer, and it is still quite expensive, but I don't, for example, go out socialising, and haven't been on holiday since 2008. I don't feel that I should have to justify this, but maybe it is good for me to explain, as it helps me, if nothing else.

One more point about my skin rashes: I have dermatitis on my hands and part of my arm that is caused by over-washing them. I do this because I have OCD. This is not the same as the rashes which occur elsewhere on my body. 

I do have creams which I can use on my various rashes, and have often found that anti-histamines also help.

Thank you for taking the time to read this post. Love and blessing to all of you. 

Maladaptive Daydreaming and Dissociation

I have just discovered the term "maladaptive daydreaming", and I feel overwhelmed. I cannot believe that I have never heard of it before, as this is something to which I totally relate. 

I first heard the term in relation to Dissociative Identity Disorder, which I don't have, although I do experience dissociation, and many aspects of DID overlap with my own mental health issues. I have now done a search on Google, and there are people discussing "Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder" or "MDD", although it appears that this is probably not yet an official diagnostic category.
 

I have been trying to piece together my own jigsaw, due to the lack of interest and support from the mental health team, none of whom will even seriously discuss my depression with me, since changing my "primary diagnosis" to OCD. I know that they often resent my attempts to investigate my own mental health, and to learn about mental health disorders in general, but I only want some answers, and to find out what is going on with myself. 

I am also interested in finding out about different mental illnesses, so that I am in a better position to help and understand others. 

I am so fed-up with hearing that people shouldn't "self-diagnose", with either physical or mental health problems. I wouldn't even be diagnosed with dyspraxia had I not first "self-diagnosed", later having the diagnosis confirmed by professionals. Self-diagnosis can be dangerous, but so can just "going along with" what you know to be an inaccurate or incomplete diagnosis.

Anyway, I am going to research "maladaptive daydreaming" some more. I don't feel ready to explain it yet, as I am only just discovering about it myself, although believe me, it is nothing new that I am hearing about. The only aspect that has come as a shock to me is that there is actually a name for something which I have experienced since childhood.

Self-injury

I am aware that self-injury is a difficult subject. It is controversial and widely misunderstood - and for many of us, addressing the issue can be emotional and deeply painful. 

I am also conscious that my last post was about depression. This blog was, and is, not intended to be exclusively about mental health. It is a blog about chronic illness, both physical and mental. 

However, the issues that are on my mind at a particular time will tend to be reflected in what I feel the need to write about, and this seems unavoidable. I have been thinking a lot about self-injury, and in a way, I need to write this post, in order hopefully to move on.

I shall start with the term "self-injury". Perhaps the more commonly used term would be "self-harm", and I must admit that this is the one that I have generally used myself. However, I am using self-injury here, as it is more specific. Self-harm is a broad term, which covers addictions, eating disorders, and so on, as well as self-injury. 

Self-injury usually refers to "cutting", although people self-injure in many different ways. I will only use the term "self-harm", for the purposes of this post, when I feel that self-harm, in the wider sense, is applicable to what I am saying. I hope that this is not too confusing.

Self-injury is not the same as attempted suicide, and this needs to be made clear. Many people who self-injure do have suicidal thoughts and feelings, and people who self-injure may also, at some point, attempt or seriously contemplate suicide, but self-injury in iself is not attempted suicide. It is a coping mechanism, although not a healthy one. It is a way in which people survive and deal with emotional pain, which they could not otherwise endure. It is particularly important that self-injury is not confused with attempted suicide, as this also leads to genuine suicide attempts being dismissed as "self-harm" or "self-injury".

As to whether self-injury is for attention - occasionally, yes - but usually not, and often people will be desperate to hide self-injury scars. People's motives and personal issues vary, but in my experience, most people who self-injure are not attention seeking.

People who self-harm are likely to suffer from depression or/and anxiety, but most people with depression or/and anxiety disorders do not self-harm. There is a much stronger specific associaton between self-harm and, for example, BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder), both of which usually result from trauma, particulary in childhood.

It is a misconception that self-injury is either an exclusively "teenage issue", or an exclusively "female issue". It affects people of all ages, and males as well as females. This needs to be recognised so that more people feel able to openly discuss their problems and experiences.

I have not mentioned much about my own experiences here. I have "cut" in the past, but I don't currently, and I have never had a serious problem with cutting, compared to many others. I have mainly used another method of self-injury, with less severe, long-term consequences. I still use this method of self-injury at present. I am trying to reduce how frequently I do this. I wanted to discuss this subject, not only because of my own experiences, but because it concerns me in general, and because I do know others who self-injure.

I find it draining to write these blog posts but, if one person out there feels less alone as a result of reading my words, then it will have been worth the effort. I have felt so alone, with so many struggles throughout my life. Nobody deserves to feel that way.

Chronic Moderate to Severe Depression

I would like to discuss some questions and feelings that I have about depression - in general and also relating to my own experience of depression.

First of all, I would like to clarify that I have always suffered from depression - for as long as I can remember. I remember having these feelings as a small child of two or three years old. Often when I tell people this, they simply refuse to believe me. The next question is always whether or not it was diagnosed. No, I was not diagnosed with depression at two years old, but I know that I have always had the feelings of depression. 

When I was around eight years old, my mother told me that I mustn't pull the bed covers right over me, as I could suffocate and die. I had apparently done this unknowingly. After this, I deliberately tried to do the same, but it didn't work, because she always checked on me at night. I don't know if it could really have worked anyway, but it has always stayed in my memory, as this shows how young I was when I actually started to have suicidal thoughts and feelings.

In the process of researching the subject of this blog post online, I have come across more information, which is of interest, and may to some degree, be the answer to some of my questions. My concern has been that most information given about depression, in books and online, describes two specific types of depression: major depressive episodes, and dysthymia, with the latter term basically referring to chronic mild depression. To me, this simply fails to address the fact that depression can often be both chronic and moderate or severe. 

Even the fact that "double depression" is occasionally acknowledged - episodes of major depression, occurring in those already suffering from chronic depressive disorders - doesn't entirely cover what I am talking about, although it's a start, and I certainly wish that double depression was more frequently mentioned. However, I have to say that I have now come across the term "persistent depressive disorder", which does seem to make more allowances for longer-term cases of major depression. This term apparently came into use in May 2013, although this appears to be in the USA. I don't know if this term is current here in the UK and elsewhere, although I am hoping that it is.

I have to say that I don't find that the distinction between mild, moderate and severe depression is always appropriate. If you suffer from mood swings as I do, it is actually possible to make the transition rapidly from mild depression, which could easily be missed altogether, and which can often be "covered up", to being literally suicidal. Dramatic mood swings are a well-known feature of bipolar disorder, but they also occur in unipolar depression, particularly when someone has Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD features. 

My own mood swings would be between my "normal" (for me) state, and severely depressed or/and angry or/and agitated or/and panicky. They occur more frequently just before, during, or just after my period, but happen enough at other times to mean that they can't be attributed entirely to my menstrual cycle. Sometimes, the mood changes are very sudden. Since I do not get "highs", I do not consider that my mood swings relate to bipolar disorder, although it's true that the distinction between unipolar depression and bipolar disorder is not always as clear as is often imagined, especially when considering forms of bipolar such as cyclothymia. 

By the way, with regard to BPD - I am not currently diagnosed with this, but I am trying to get my diagnosis reviewed. However, that subject would require a blog post of its own, which I may consider writing in the future.

I do get frustrated, to say the least, by talk of "serious mental illness", which somehow excludes depression. Severe depression can actually be classed as a serious mental illness, and it is a misconception that it is not. 

Also, I think that there should be more recognition for the specific struggles of people suffering from both depression and anxiety. It is not easy to live with either depression or anxiety, but to suffer from both can be much more disabling than people often realise. I will talk more about anxiety disorders in a future post, and possibly cover the specific difficulties that many of us have when we deal with both anxiety and depression.

Thank you for reading. I do have several ideas for possible future posts, so watch this space. If you are struggling with depression, know that you are not alone, and there is always hope.

Getting out and about

I had been hoping to write a post on why I find it so difficult to get out and about, which is due to various factors, involving long-term physical and mental health problems. I actually attempted to put these into some sort of logical order in my mind, by creating a mind map.

However, I begin to wonder how personal I want my explanations to be. I do have a tendency to be very open, which is generally positive, but I sometimes feel that I can be a little too open. This can leave me feeling vulnerable and exposed. Also, it does offend people on occasions, and although I can't, and won't, let this stop me from being who I am, I really don't like to feel that I have upset people, and I do fear losing friends. As well as these considerations, I don't particularly want to write blog posts that sound more like answers on a DLA form, or whatever they call those forms nowadays. (I can't always keep up with the constantly changing terminology, I'm afraid.)

Anyway, I may or may not write the blog post that I originally planned to write, but for now, I would just like to mention that, although I do struggle to get out, I am trying to overcome this, with some success. I don't get out every day, but my ideal would be to do so, and I get out as many days as I can, although usually only for a short local walk. I have recently managed to get the the hairdressers on one occasion, and to a local furniture store and cafe on another. These were significant achievements for me.

I did go for a short local walk this afternoon, but to be honest, I haven't achieved much else today. This is largely because I have felt depressed and withdrawn. Writing this blog post now means that I at least have something to show for the day.

Love and blessings to all of you, and I hope that I will have more productive days to tell you about in the near future.